The “M” Word

SO!  You’re probably wondering what the “M” word is, right?  Maybe you’re not. Maybe you’re thinking it’s “Marriage” or “Money” but it’s not.

Menopause

CD 80

Now, some hard core, wanna get pregnant OR don’t wanna get pregnant women will know what that means.  And, by the way, I am NOT pregnant.  CD80 = Cycle Day 80.

It has been 80 glorious days I have NOT had my (I apologize guys) period.

Perhaps this is where men tune out.

I get the distinct impression women just don’t talk about menopause at least not someone other than their doctors.  Is Menopause the “elephant in the room” women only talk about in hushed, embarrassed tones?  Should I be embarrassed to be writing about the fact that I AM GOING THROUGH IT?

Okay, so maybe it’s not full fledge menopause. I might be labeled as “peri-menopausal,” like a ten year old wants to be called a “pre-teen” but they still pout like a toddler demanding, as they shake their fist, to be recognized as an almost teenager.  Hmm … chasing rabbits there.

Any way, I am “premature” for menopause but I say I’m an over achiever. Let’s get this party started!!!

Pffft -peri menopausal, please!  It’s that stage in a woman’s life when you skip your period and think God is playing a cruel joke on you.  It’s a joke because the “baby” of your family is 8 years old and you told everyone (including the husband) you were done.

I swear, when PM first reared her head I was quick to bargain with God, pleading NOT to be pregnant.  Then I resorted to threatening Him that I would need to be institutionalized if He did this to me. You just don’t want to go there, Lord.

I had gone 52 terrifying days without a period.  I told myself it was PM but then doubt creeped in and I started to worry. No! No, I wasn’t going to take a test. It was ridiculous to think I would or could be pregnant this late in life.

I called my OB/GYN and the nurse asked if I took a test. I was flabbergasted.  “No. Something else is wrong.” Besides I would need to be in the presence of a professional should I be wrong. No, I’d rather wait for the horrible news. Yes, I said horrible. I. was. done. Need I remind you? DONE.

I wasn’t pregnant.  My doctor was actually surprised, “I guess you could be going through PM this early.”  Thank you Jesus! Now what?!

SO, months later cue the hot flashes!

Imagine your thermostat at home and someone cranks that sucker up.  In a matter of seconds you are no longer 72 but 90 degrees.  Or do you recall a time when that rush of adrenaline crashes or or that embarrassing time you sang off key at the top of your lungs at church. You know that heat? Yeah, instant inferno.

I wake four or five times a night throwing covers off, seeking the cold spots in the sheets for refuge. Then I rake the covers back over me because two or three minutes later I’m cold again. Last night had to be the worst! I was extremely cold. I took a hot shower knowing I might regret it as soon as I settled in. And I did. Then I didn’t.  Aaaand then I did, again.

Some nights, when I haven’t had decent “solid” sleep (waking only twice maybe three times), I will take a sleep aid just so I can sleep past these episodes. Fun times.

Getting a hot flash at the grocery store is not cool, especially when I’m in the freezer department. I don’t break out into a full on drench-the- sheets sweat but dang it, it’s a might embarrassing because I’m only pushing a cart!

“What’s with the light sheen glistening your forehead, ma’am?”  I discreetly, yet in the most feminine way possible, dab at the dew on my brow WITH the back of my hand. It would draw too much attention if I was to wipe the stache.  And don’t think I haven’t thought about breaking out a hankie!

Now I eye those sports towels that need only be wet with water to cool a man down.  It’s a possible tool to help me get through this stage.  Costco is selling a pair for about $15, not bad at t’all.

Don’t get me wrong, ladies, NOT having a period is awesome.  Men, you’re still here? Sorry.  Let me repeat, NOT having a period is awesome but the side effects can suck.

Well, that’s it for now. Stay tuned I’m sure there will be more to this adventure. For now I’m going to jump into a hot shower. Yes, I’m rolling the dice. Living in the moment. And right now, I’m cold.

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