My Son

Honestly, I never saw this day coming

never contemplated how I would feel

When I look across the room and I see my oldest son changing.

 

He turned eight years old last week

and it was like a light switch.

I’m staring at a young man

who has lived in my presence

under the same roof

breathing in the same air as I

these past eight years,

and I catch a glimpse of the man

he will grow up to be.

My heart is arrested with the thought

He is one step farther away from me

and immediately my soul is quiet.

Instinctually, I want to grasp his arm

and not let go.

 

I want to keep him closer to my side.

It’s a selfish, desperate thought,

I know this but I cannot deny that it is there.

 

He is getting older                                                                                                                  

He is changing and I can’t stop it, nor do I want to.

My mind rushes back to the moment he was pulled from my body

and I immediately felt his warmth, not ours.

This moment, as I stare at him, is that same feeling.

Soon he will be going in a different direction

that may be I am not allowed to follow

and if I can it won’t be as closely.

I want to close my fingers tight around his

and not let go despite all his tugging

but my heart… oh my heart, tells me to do so

and I know what I must do

and so I will.

I will hold him in my eye sight

be he across the room or baseball field.

I will walk with him but feet away

for as long as he will let me.

And I will encourage him to go on

I will feign indifference… or may be I won’t

“I hope you don’t get tired of holding my hand,” and I kiss him good night after our prayers.

He gives me a kiss on the lips and an endearing smile, as if to say never and he says

as much.  I believe him tonight and I hang on to that promise

daring my heart to stay open.

How silly that my heart is guarded, but it is.

“Sweet dreams, my son.”

I take one last look and smile

because he smiles back

with that boyish grin.

 

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2 thoughts on “My Son

  1. Princess Diana says:

    It is indeed tough when you see them growing up so quickly and knowing you must let go. There is a payoff though – they may leave for a time but they will come back, fully grown men who will amaze you. That, my friend, is the payoff. 🙂

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