I’m seeking the Lord. I want an answer to a question I don’t know how to ask. I cannot string the words together to express what I feel in my soul.
Last week I broke down and confessed to God, “Something is off. Something is not right with me but what is it???” On another occasion I cried out and told God He needed to do something with this, as I referenced me; my body, because I didn’t know which end was up. “I need You.”
I am asking for His wisdom. James 1:5 states: 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. I lift up my arms and beg Him for a just a portion of His wisdom. Fill these arms up, Lord.
This past Sunday I was able to enjoy service and got to watch Max preach via video. He’s been preaching on “Grace” and how timely it has been. Max made almost the exact statement I had cried out last week, “Have you ever felt like something was just not right with you?’
He shared x-ray’s of people who had lived with pain for several years only to find out one guy had a blade shaft embedded in his head causing him headaches, another man finally expelled a nail from his nose that had been there for years. They knew something was wrong by evidence of the pain from accidents that they had long forgotten about.
Max said some of us were carrying around shanks of guilt that we couldn’t name. He asked us to have God examine our hearts, confess and receive His grace. The message resounded within me. That’s me! He’s talking about me. I carry a shank of guilt that I cannot name but I do know that I want to be free from it.
So, here I am, asking; begging God to reveal this shank and heal me. I want to walk in His Grace and move out from under this cloud of guilt.
It’s now Day 4 and God has shown me one foothold, a seed that took root in my soul about thirty-five years ago. I continue to pray that God will deliver me from this “unnameable sin.” I don’t know how this is tied up with my writing but it is something I desperately want to be free of. Perhaps the Lord will reveal any unhealthy ties.