My Idol

It’s been a while since I last posted something.  I’ve been struggling with my craft.  I love my craft.  I love creating stories so much that I was becoming a slave to my story.  Every silent moment I allowed my story to suck me in to create the next scene.  I wrote when I didn’t even feel like it and I knew I was producing crap YET I still sat there on the floor next to my space heater scratching out a forced scene.

I feel an obligation to my characters.  It’s another great story line of a girl whose life didn’t go according to plan and she learns to recreate herself and accept her life under extraordinary circumstances.  It seems to be a theme for me, a story I must write (even if it’s just for me).

STILL my craft had become my idol and I want to prove to myself and my God, whom I love, that HE is far better serving than any story I could ever write.  SO, I have laid my Isaac on the alter, offering it to Him to do with it as He wills even if that means He never gives it back to me.  I must do this. 

GOD defines who I am.  I am not somebody because I can spin a tale that entertains.  I want to desire God’s approval and not man’s though I must confess my ego hungers for those pats on the back, the mentions of my works … validation that, “Hey, Candes, I think you’re cool.  You have talent.” 

Tell me I am worth something … because I can write.  Tell me I am talented and unique … because of what I write.  Tell me I am funny or witty… because my last story was pretty cool.

Fill in the blank with your own trappings.

On purpose, I recreated a scene from my story last night and immediately saw how it took over my thoughts.  Perhaps that’s the process and PERHAPS there are writers who can turn that switch off but I’m not there.  Not yet.  I’ll get back to my story and weave it together more tightly and I may even learn to stop the run on sentences (there are so many even in my posts here that I have yet to clean up like I said I would). 

I will write when the Lord inspires me.  I will journal.  I am busy as a stay-at-home-mom who works part time as a Nursery Director for my church.  I also homeschool my young boys and host a bible study once a week in our home. 

Perhaps this isn’t the season for me but it is for me being there for my family.


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